This is just my feeble attempt at fictional humor, egged on by a friend’s Zombie stories. Not being from the South, he failed to realize that what I wrote was sheer White Trash poetry.
It isn’t often that one can read a literary “masterpiece” that combines the Circle K, moonpies, RC Cola, mullets, and White Rain in just a couple of paragraphs….
I told him I managed to make a “best of” here – I included all of the hackneyed cliches of the Southern trailer park in 250 words or less:
We took Rebecca to see “Gnomeo and Juliet” last night, and it was very good – a blend of William Shakespeare meets Elton John. We saw it in 3-D, and Rebecca kept reaching out to try and touch everything. She was giggling the whole time.
Mr. TiFW and I had fun catching all of the “Shakespearean” references – the “Rosencrantz and Gildenstern” Moving Company truck; the “Out! Out!” line followed immediately by another character saying, “Damn Spot!”; the “Verona Lane” where they lived; the abandoned “Lawrence” property where they can meet on neutral territory; etc. It was all very cleverly done.
This is a recycled post from another blog that I wrote –
Mr. TiFW and I went to see this movie recently:
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May I just say that Jason Statham is yummy?
Well, since I’m the one throwing together this shindig, I guess I can….
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Hard to believe that Daughter #3 is getting ready to graduate from High School – where has the time gone? It seems like only yesterday, they were placing her in my arms, and now she’s ready to embark on a new chapter in her life.
We went and ordered Sarah’s Senior portraits today – Paul’s wallet is considerably lighter, but that’s OK. We have some really beautiful reminders of what a lovely young lady our little girl has become.
I wanted to share them with you:
Wow. In all the hustle and bustle of what’s been going on in the world, I forgot that yesterday was a pretty important day in my life. You see, 32 years ago yesterday, my life changed forever.
It started in a lecture hall at Texas A&M University in January, 1979. Yours truly was a freshman who started out in Pre-Med, but after one semester – and a tearful call home – I had decided to change my major to one which involved more math – Civil Engineering.
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
“Hello, President Obama,” a heavily accented southern voice said. “This is Archie, down here at the Joe’s Crab Shack in Houston, Texas. I am callin’ to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!”
“Well, Archie,” Barack replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Archie, after a moment’s calculation, “There is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!”
Barack paused. “I must tell you, Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Wow,” said Archie. “I’ll have to call ya back!”
Sure enough, the next day Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Archie?” Barack asked.
“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.”
President Obama sighed. “I must tell you, Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one-and-a-half million since we last spoke.”
“Lord above”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day… “President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harold’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!”
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Archie, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
“Oh Lord,” said Archie, “l’ll have to call you back.”
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that” said Barack. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there’s just no way we can feed two million prisoners..”
TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
If you are a TEXAN, you won’t even need to be told to pass this on.
GOD BLESS TEXAS!
Finally, A Doctor Who Agrees With ME!
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Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it…don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
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Generate your own album cover –
1 – Go to Wikipedia and hit random. The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 – Go to quotationspage.com and hit random. The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3 – Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”. Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4 – Use Photoshop or similar (picnik.com is a free online photo editor) to put it all together.
5 – Post it on your blog along with these instructions, and trackback or link to your post in these comments.
Have fun!!
I read recently that somebody wants to “update” Huckleberry Finn so that it is more politically correct. The gentleman is doing this because, as he says:
“After a number of talks, I was sought out by local teachers, and to a person they said we would love to teach this novel, and Huckleberry Finn, but we feel we can’t do it anymore. In the new classroom, it’s really not acceptable.”
And really, that’s fine with me; everyone is entitled to their opinion, and if he and his publisher want to spend their time and money doing this, well, it’s a free country, right? He seems like a decent enough fellow who is trying to do something nice.
However, here’s where I have a problem. These same educators who claim such horror at teaching the “old” version of Huck Finn – and other works like it – because they can’t bring themselves to use “those words” in their classrooms obviously haven’t been paying attention to what their students are listening to on their iPods, seeing on TV / the movies, playing on their video games, and/or calling each other on the playground recently.
I don’t know about you, but where we live, we hear “those words” on an almost daily basis, blaring through the speakers on the door of some old beater driving down the road, usually accompanied by a blaring bass beat that we affectionately refer to as “the neighborhood mating call” (the stereo system alone is usually worth more than said car).
I can assure you that I don’t want to hear those words, but I’m not given a choice in the matter on a public thoroughfare. Heaven forbid I should complain to somebody about it – the little dears who are doing it are exercising their rights to free speech, dontcha know?
If these students are willing to voluntarily plop themselves down to hear somebody else “sing” it, act it, animate it and/or say it to one of their friends, then they have no justification whatsoever for being offended by it in the classroom – and neither do their parents (and you just KNOW that some parents’ group somewhere – my guess is some coastal liberal bastion of elite “morality” – is going to take up this charge, followed inevitably by their lawyers, seeking to educate us poor unwashed rubes in the great wilderness).
Do these same educators have a problem with some of the many books on their “Required Reading” lists that offend the rest of us? The ones that champion homosexuality, promiscuity, rape, incest, abortion, drug use and the like? Do they worry about how THOSE books make their students feel?
Or do they turn around and make their students feel like there is something wrong with them (and their parents) for not embracing the “diverse” lifestyles of the characters in those books?
Are these educators saying that they have a problem with using “those words” but they don’t have a problem teaching those other concepts in their classroom? If so, what does that say about these educators – and the system that is training THEM?
Here’s my suggestion – if we take the offensive words/concepts out of the “old” classics, then we have to take the offensive words/concepts out of the “new” classics as well. Let’s see how well that goes over with the politically correct crowd, shall we?
My bet is they won’t even get it.
The Fat Lady Has Sung
Koch's Tour 
