Sunday Funnies – “One Grain More”

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….We’ll discover foods that even vegans have forsworn…..

In honor of National Celiac Awareness Month, I HAD to share this hilarious video (please note – the Kellogg’s Corn Flake Crumbs shown in this video are NOT gluten-free; they contain barley malt extract).

As anyone with food allergies knows, navigating restaurants and grocery stores can be a real challenge – especially when you are first starting out. When Rebecca was diagnosed with Celiac Disease in 2008, we got a crash course in gluten-free living and “Alternative Foods” – it’s been a real education!

I have to give credit to all of our friends and family – they’ve been very patient with us on this journey, and they are always sending us stuff that they think might be of interest to us. One of my Cyberfriends*** sent me this a while back – I had to pick myself off the floor when I saw it:
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Now, I would be remiss if I didn’t include a link to the post by Michael Bihovsky (the multi-talented creator/director/star of this video) about how “One Grain More” came to be:

It all began on New Year’s Eve.

Mournful of the fact that I would be unable to enjoy any party desserts due to my recently discovered allergy to pretty much everything, I began baking myself some chocolate chip cookies made of neither wheat nor chocolate chips. I was listening to Les Misérables at the time, and as I tend to do, I was singing along, inserting some of my current activities into the lyrics of the song “One Day More.” When I sang the part about “This never-ending road to gluten free,” I immediately cancelled my plans for the evening and started writing…..

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Dena Blumenthal, Michael Bihovsky, Megan Ermilio, Lily Bayrock, Michael DeFlorio, and Bernie Langer
(Not pictured: Matthew Dorsch and Liz Sanders)

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I HAD to include the lyrics, because they are absolutely brilliant!  (I also like that they renamed Epinone “EpiPen” – a masterful touch….)

VALJEAN One grain more
A dash of millet flour might be the key
This never-ending road to gluten free
This horrifying food I eat
Will never taste the same as wheat
One grain more…

COSETTE A quarter cup of cornflake crumbs
To meet my carbohydrate quota

VALJEAN One grain more

MARIUS & COSETTE A teaspoon of some xanthan gum
And still it tastes like…baking soda

EPIPEN One more dairy substitute

MARIUS & COSETTE Will I ever eat again?

EPIPEN Drinking oat milk from a carton

MARIUS & COSETTE What I’d give for pizza pie

EPIPEN Now I spend my days confused

MARIUS & COSETTE Or a slice of beef on rye…

EPIPEN Wond’ring how you milk an oat

VALJEAN It’s so good to see you, Quinoa!
You’re the protein source I chose
Still, you look as if I’ve seen ya
Coming out of someone’s nose

MARIUS & COSETTE Flax instead of eggs
Try to make it whip
Now what do we use instead of chocolate chips?
Carob doesn’t work
Carob is a trap
Anyone who’s had it knows it tastes like crap!

VALJEAN & EPIPEN When the hell is this stuff dated?

MARIUS & COSETTE Burned and bloated day and night

VALJEAN & EPIPEN Why’s it smell like something died?

COSETTE What on earth is “lecithin”?

MARIUS Love, I fin’ly defecated!

EPIPEN This does not feel like a bun…

ALL Do you hear the people sneeze
And cough
And wheeze
From allergies?

VALJEAN One grain more!

MARIUS (simul) So I added wheat — I’m sorry
We still had some left in stock
Nothing says “it’s time to party”
Like anaphylactic shock
So I guess this must be Quinoa
It’s not so gross, I suppose
Still it looks as if I’ve seen ya…

COSETTE (simul) Will I ever eat again?
What if there’s a trace of tree nuts?
Someone get my Epi-pen
I’m not supposed to breathe in peanuts!

EPIPEN (simul) Have you ever milked an oat?
Guess it’s better than a goat
Try a little nog
Smoother than a silk
Even though it’s made of neither eggs nor milk!
Have another roll
Harder than a rock
Better hold your breath because it tastes like-

VALJEAN & MARIUS Tomorrow we will bitch and moan
Tomorrow we’ll need cortisone

ALL Tomorrow we’ll discover foods
That even vegans have forsworn!
Wish me luck…..
Mother(BLEEEEEEEEEP)
One grain more…

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***Thanks to my FIF Connie Gorton, who sent me the link to this video – you owe me a new keyboard, dear one!  (One of these days, we’re gonna meet “in real life”, and it’s gonna be awesome 😛 )

About Teresa in Fort Worth, TX

A short, fat, middle-aged, happily-married, mother of 4 daughters. A former high school valedictorian (way back in the Stone Age), a Civil Engineering major in college, a middle-of-the-road Conservative, and a moderate Methodist. I know just enough to get myself in trouble....
This entry was posted in Annual Posts, Broadway/TV/Film, Humor, I Love America, Just Because, Music, Sunday Funnies, The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Sunday Funnies – “One Grain More”

  1. Kassidey S. says:

    Awesome! I cracked up at the ending. I completely relate to this to. When Nate went Gluten Free almost 2 years ago, it was quite the trip. Still is occasionally. I have found some great substitutes now but it was a LONG road to them.

    Like

    • Yep! It’s been 6 years since Rebecca was diagnosed, and we’re still finding our way. It’s gotten easier, but we still have the occasional “glutening”….

      We’ve found King Arthur Flour to be the one that our family likes best. And when it comes to pasta, we swear by the “BiAglut/Pasta Mia” brand (we order it from a company called Quattrobimbi, but you can find it on other sites as well) – it’s the only one we’ve found that we like.

      Good luck!

      Like

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