“One Grain More” (aka Making Food Allergies Fun)

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….We’ll discover foods that even vegans have forsworn…..

As anyone with food allergies knows, navigating restaurants and grocery stores can be a real challenge – especially when you are first starting out. When Rebecca was diagnosed with Celiac Disease in 2008, we got a crash course in gluten-free living and “Alternative Foods” – it’s been a real education!

I have to give credit to all of our friends and family – they’ve been very patient with us on this journey, and they are always sending us stuff that they think might be of interest to us. Yesterday I opened my e-mail and discovered this link from one of my Cyberfriends***:
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Now, I would be remiss if I didn’t include a link to the post by Michael Bihovsky (the multi-talented creator/director/star of this video) about how “One Grain More” came to be:

It all began on New Year’s Eve.

Mournful of the fact that I would be unable to enjoy any party desserts due to my recently discovered allergy to pretty much everything, I began baking myself some chocolate chip cookies made of neither wheat nor chocolate chips. I was listening to Les Misérables at the time, and as I tend to do, I was singing along, inserting some of my current activities into the lyrics of the song “One Day More.” When I sang the part about “This never-ending road to gluten free,” I immediately cancelled my plans for the evening and started writing…..

one-grain-more-cast-crew2

Dena Blumenthal, Michael Bihovsky, Megan Ermilio, Lily Bayrock, Michael DeFlorio, and Bernie Langer
(Not pictured: Matthew Dorsch and Liz Sanders)

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I HAD to include the lyrics, because they are absolutely brilliant!  (I also like that they renamed Epinone “EpiPen” – a masterful touch….)

VALJEAN One grain more
A dash of millet flour might be the key
This never-ending road to gluten free
This horrifying food I eat
Will never taste the same as wheat
One grain more…

COSETTE A quarter cup of cornflake crumbs
To meet my carbohydrate quota

VALJEAN One grain more

MARIUS & COSETTE A teaspoon of some xanthan gum
And still it tastes like…baking soda

EPIPEN One more dairy substitute

MARIUS & COSETTE Will I ever eat again?

EPIPEN Drinking oat milk from a carton

MARIUS & COSETTE What I’d give for pizza pie

EPIPEN Now I spend my days confused

MARIUS & COSETTE Or a slice of beef on rye…

EPIPEN Wond’ring how you milk an oat

VALJEAN It’s so good to see you, Quinoa!
You’re the protein source I chose
Still, you look as if I’ve seen ya
Coming out of someone’s nose

MARIUS & COSETTE Flax instead of eggs
Try to make it whip
Now what do we use instead of chocolate chips?
Carob doesn’t work
Carob is a trap
Anyone who’s had it knows it tastes like crap!

VALJEAN & EPIPEN When the hell is this stuff dated?

MARIUS & COSETTE Burned and bloated day and night

VALJEAN & EPIPEN Why’s it smell like something died?

COSETTE What on earth is “lecithin”?

MARIUS Love, I fin’ly defecated!

EPIPEN This does not feel like a bun…

ALL Do you hear the people sneeze
And cough
And wheeze
From allergies?

VALJEAN One grain more!

MARIUS (simul) So I added wheat — I’m sorry
We still had some left in stock
Nothing says “it’s time to party”
Like anaphylactic shock
So I guess this must be Quinoa
It’s not so gross, I suppose
Still it looks as if I’ve seen ya…

COSETTE (simul) Will I ever eat again?
What if there’s a trace of tree nuts?
Someone get my Epi-pen
I’m not supposed to breathe in peanuts!

EPIPEN (simul) Have you ever milked an oat?
Guess it’s better than a goat
Try a little nog
Smoother than a silk
Even though it’s made of neither eggs nor milk!
Have another roll
Harder than a rock
Better hold your breath because it tastes like-

VALJEAN & MARIUS Tomorrow we will bitch and moan
Tomorrow we’ll need cortisone

ALL Tomorrow we’ll discover foods
That even vegans have forsworn!
Wish me luck…..
Mother(BLEEEEEEEEEP)
One grain more…

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***Thanks to my FIF Connie Gorton, who sent me the link to this video – you owe me a new keyboard, dear one!  (One of these days, we’re gonna meet “in real life”, and it’s gonna be awesome 😛 )

About Teresa in Fort Worth, TX

A short, fat, middle-aged, happily-married, mother of 4 daughters. A former high school valedictorian (way back in the Stone Age), a Civil Engineering major in college, a middle-of-the-road Conservative, and a moderate Methodist. I know just enough to get myself in trouble....
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3 Responses to “One Grain More” (aka Making Food Allergies Fun)

  1. The Queen says:

    Oh- that is genius. We are not gluten free, but Princess Buttercup is vegetarian- and in South TX that is a challenge too! I have some friends I need to share this with!

    Like

    • When DD#1 brought friends home from college (in New York) on Spring Break, I told her “No Vegetarians – we’re feedin’ ’em cow.”

      I think we converted a couple of Yankees to REAL barbeque on those visits….. 😛

      Like

    • And as much as some people may whine about gluten-free eating, we’ve found it to be much easier than we thought; of course, for anyone with true gluten sensitivity, the difference in the way you feel is enough to keep you on the straight and narrow. And we have a LOT more choices these days than people did 10 years ago (or more).

      My philosophy is “If I don’t like the taste, I’m not eating it” – I haven’t missed a meal yet….. 😛

      Like

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