Koch's Tour

This is just my feeble attempt at fictional humor, egged on by a friend’s Zombie stories.  Not being from the South, he failed to realize that what I wrote was sheer White Trash poetry. 

It isn’t often that one can read a literary “masterpiece” that combines the Circle K, moonpies, RC Cola, mullets, and White Rain in just a couple of paragraphs….

I told him I managed to make a “best of” here – I included all of the hackneyed cliches of the Southern trailer park in 250 words or less:

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President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

“Hello, President Obama,” a heavily accented southern voice said. “This is Archie, down here at the Joe’s Crab Shack in Houston, Texas.  I am callin’ to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!”

“Well, Archie,” Barack replied, “This is indeed important news!  How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Archie, after a moment’s calculation, “There is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!”

Barack paused. “I must tell you, Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Wow,” said Archie. “I’ll have to call ya back!”

Sure enough, the next day Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on!  We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Archie?” Barack asked.

“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.”

President Obama sighed. “I must tell you, Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one-and-a-half million since we last spoke.”

“Lord above”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day… “President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harold’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four  boys from the Legion have joined us as well!”

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Archie, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.  My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”

“Oh Lord,” said Archie, “l’ll have to call you back.”

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” said Barack. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there’s just no way we can feed two million prisoners..”
        

 TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

If you are a TEXAN, you won’t even need to be told to pass this on.

GOD BLESS TEXAS!

Finally, A Doctor Who Agrees With ME!

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Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it…don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

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