Sunday Funnies – “One Grain More”

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….We’ll discover foods that even vegans have forsworn…..

In honor of National Celiac Awareness Month, I HAD to share this hilarious video (please note – the Kellogg’s Corn Flake Crumbs shown in this video are NOT gluten-free; they contain barley malt extract).

As anyone with food allergies knows, navigating restaurants and grocery stores can be a real challenge – especially when you are first starting out. When Rebecca was diagnosed with Celiac Disease in 2008, we got a crash course in gluten-free living and “Alternative Foods” – it’s been a real education!

I have to give credit to all of our friends and family – they’ve been very patient with us on this journey, and they are always sending us stuff that they think might be of interest to us. One of my Cyberfriends*** sent me this a while back – I had to pick myself off the floor when I saw it:
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Now, I would be remiss if I didn’t include a link to the post by Michael Bihovsky (the multi-talented creator/director/star of this video) about how “One Grain More” came to be:

It all began on New Year’s Eve.

Mournful of the fact that I would be unable to enjoy any party desserts due to my recently discovered allergy to pretty much everything, I began baking myself some chocolate chip cookies made of neither wheat nor chocolate chips. I was listening to Les Misérables at the time, and as I tend to do, I was singing along, inserting some of my current activities into the lyrics of the song “One Day More.” When I sang the part about “This never-ending road to gluten free,” I immediately cancelled my plans for the evening and started writing…..

one-grain-more-cast-crew2

Dena Blumenthal, Michael Bihovsky, Megan Ermilio, Lily Bayrock, Michael DeFlorio, and Bernie Langer
(Not pictured: Matthew Dorsch and Liz Sanders)

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I HAD to include the lyrics, because they are absolutely brilliant!  (I also like that they renamed Epinone “EpiPen” – a masterful touch….)

VALJEAN One grain more
A dash of millet flour might be the key
This never-ending road to gluten free
This horrifying food I eat
Will never taste the same as wheat
One grain more…

COSETTE A quarter cup of cornflake crumbs
To meet my carbohydrate quota

VALJEAN One grain more

MARIUS & COSETTE A teaspoon of some xanthan gum
And still it tastes like…baking soda

EPIPEN One more dairy substitute

MARIUS & COSETTE Will I ever eat again?

EPIPEN Drinking oat milk from a carton

MARIUS & COSETTE What I’d give for pizza pie

EPIPEN Now I spend my days confused

MARIUS & COSETTE Or a slice of beef on rye…

EPIPEN Wond’ring how you milk an oat

VALJEAN It’s so good to see you, Quinoa!
You’re the protein source I chose
Still, you look as if I’ve seen ya
Coming out of someone’s nose

MARIUS & COSETTE Flax instead of eggs
Try to make it whip
Now what do we use instead of chocolate chips?
Carob doesn’t work
Carob is a trap
Anyone who’s had it knows it tastes like crap!

VALJEAN & EPIPEN When the hell is this stuff dated?

MARIUS & COSETTE Burned and bloated day and night

VALJEAN & EPIPEN Why’s it smell like something died?

COSETTE What on earth is “lecithin”?

MARIUS Love, I fin’ly defecated!

EPIPEN This does not feel like a bun…

ALL Do you hear the people sneeze
And cough
And wheeze
From allergies?

VALJEAN One grain more!

MARIUS (simul) So I added wheat — I’m sorry
We still had some left in stock
Nothing says “it’s time to party”
Like anaphylactic shock
So I guess this must be Quinoa
It’s not so gross, I suppose
Still it looks as if I’ve seen ya…

COSETTE (simul) Will I ever eat again?
What if there’s a trace of tree nuts?
Someone get my Epi-pen
I’m not supposed to breathe in peanuts!

EPIPEN (simul) Have you ever milked an oat?
Guess it’s better than a goat
Try a little nog
Smoother than a silk
Even though it’s made of neither eggs nor milk!
Have another roll
Harder than a rock
Better hold your breath because it tastes like-

VALJEAN & MARIUS Tomorrow we will bitch and moan
Tomorrow we’ll need cortisone

ALL Tomorrow we’ll discover foods
That even vegans have forsworn!
Wish me luck…..
Mother(BLEEEEEEEEEP)
One grain more…

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***Thanks to my FIF Connie Gorton, who sent me the link to this video – you owe me a new keyboard, dear one!  (One of these days, we’re gonna meet “in real life”, and it’s gonna be awesome 😛 )

About Teresa in Fort Worth, TX

A short, fat, middle-aged, happily-married, mother of 4 daughters. A former high school valedictorian (way back in the Stone Age), a Civil Engineering major in college, a middle-of-the-road Conservative, and a moderate Methodist. I know just enough to get myself in trouble....
This entry was posted in Annual Posts, Broadway/TV/Film, Humor, I Love America, Just Because, Music, Sunday Funnies, The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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