Funnies From My Family

Make-em-laugh.
Well, everything that’s going on in Washington is too depressing to deal with, so here’s some funny stuff sent to me by various family members that will hopefully cheer everyone up:

From my Mom:

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family
member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
somber.

”I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried
faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only
hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the
BRAIN.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time,
someone asked, ‘How much will a brain cost?’

The doctor quickly responded, ‘$5,000 for a Democrat’s brain; $200 for a
Republican’s brain.’

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to ‘try’ to
not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to
control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to
ask, ‘Why is the Democrat’s brain so much more than a Republican’s brain?’

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the
Republicans’ brains a lot lower because they’ve been used.”

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abnormal

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Also from Mom:

In the news this week, a Southern California man was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned one hundred guns and had (by rough estimate) one million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also has a secret escape tunnel.

The television reporter said: “Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets!” and the headline referred to it as a “massive weapons cache”. By California standards someone owning even 100,000 rounds would be called “mentally unstable”.

– If he lived elsewhere, such as Arizona , he’d be called “an avid gun collector.”
– In Oklahoma, he’d be called “a novice gun collector”.
– In Utah, he’d be called “moderately well prepared”, but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
– In Montana, he’d be called “the neighborhood ‘Go-To’ guy”.
– In Idaho, he’d be called “a likely gubernatorial candidate”.
– In Wyoming, he’d be called “an eligible bachelor”.

and. .. in Texas, he’d be called “a Hunting Buddy “.

.

Chick with Guns

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From Rachel:

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse/Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?’

.

crazy_people8

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And finally, another one from my Mom:

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The little silver-haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and pats it gently.

“Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he says with a deep sigh….
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“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

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cornflakes2

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Have a great day!
.

Cat with Gun

About Teresa in Fort Worth, TX

A short, fat, middle-aged, happily-married, mother of 4 daughters. A former high school valedictorian (way back in the Stone Age), a Civil Engineering major in college, a middle-of-the-road Conservative, and a moderate Methodist. I know just enough to get myself in trouble....
This entry was posted in Growing Old Sucks, Humor, Just Because, Messin' with my kids and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Funnies From My Family

  1. becky says:

    Mwahaaaaahaaaaaa! Really enjoyed this read and look forward to the next post.

    Like

  2. mamaduck27 says:

    Thanks, I needed that!

    Like

  3. Bob says:

    I think I might have to steal some of these….

    Like

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